To Know I'm Still Alive
by Mojo Iko
Summary: Delita reflects on his past, as well as a long lost friend.


**Author's Notes**

This piece is rather different than the kinds I usually produce. As you will see, it's a combination of a soliloquy, and actual narrative fiction. It's all about the stream of consciousness and subsequent connection to active characters later on. I hope that it's followable. This is a work of experimentation of mine, so if it's a convuluted travesty, I sincerely apologize.

Also, I offer warnings: this piece does contain some light shonen-ai (boy love) content, and related thematic elements. It also is one big spoiler for the game if you have not completed it, so if you're concerned about that, please do not read on.

**To Know I'm Still Alive**

I'll never forget the way the wind sounded that day, the way it seemed to sigh against the rocks and through the trees. It had a bittersweet voice, as if reminiscing about fonder times. And I'll never forget the way you looked then, all bathed in that yellow light of the sunset. All was so beautiful. We had set out much earlier that day, on our journey to rescue Teta. Do you remember? Heh, we were all so naïve back then, it's hard to believe I'm as cynical as I am now. Though really, maybe I never was naïve; likely, I've been jaded since birth. I spent so much time cursing my foolishness for allowing myself to be used, to be a pawn in a war game. But now, as the years have passed by, I realize I'm the greater fool now for ever turning my back on you. On you, my dearest friend. There isn't a day or night that goes by that I don't think of you still.

On the way to Zeakden, we stopped and sat together on a hill overlooking a valley, the golden grass swaying in the light breeze, and gaggles of chocobos moving in the distance. In those moments, I swore I could hear a million voices; I'm convinced to this day that it was the land crying out against all of the killing. I wanted it all to stop as much as anyone, and yet, at the same time, I was strangely entranced by it. There was something about coming out of a battle, blood-spattered and baptized in our own sweat, that heated the life in these veins. I never knew an obvious lust for war, not until it had all but consumed me, and forced everything I cared about out of my life.

I asked you many different things as we sat there, seeking answers to questions I didn't even think I myself could ever provide. But I was desperate for them. Without them, I would go insane. Nothing made sense around me anymore. I even struggled to rationalize our friendship. Part of me wanted to blame you for all that had happened, since blaming you would be bolder than simply blaming your brothers and nobility at large. But either way, I had to hold somebody responsible for the way Teta and I were treated. It just didn't make any sense. Damned Algus...his words were a poison that festered in me long after he fell.

You tried so hard to answer my questions, telling me that you believed I could be or do anything if I gave it enough effort. Typical. I watched you intently as you said this, searching for any sign of conviction in your face. While I believe you meant what you said, your eyes rippled with worry. I've never thought that that kind of look suited you at all, and have let you know that on several occasions. I remember the last time you looked this way, when you were scared about Alma. We were preparing to depart, and just before we left for our chocobos, I pulled you aside. Without thinking, I put both hands on your shoulders, and grinned.

"Hey, you need to stop that." You stared back at me, lines of restlessness forming on your face, your blonde hair in appealing disarray.

"Stop what? Delita, we have to go…" But I held you there, and proceeded with my finger-wagging and tsk-tsking.

"Impatience isn't a virtue, nor is it becoming of a Hokuten knight. Look, you just need to stay optimistic; a long face never got anybody anywhere, and besides, it doesn't suit you. I like your smiles better." And with that, I got you to smile. I watched you as you walked on ahead, a grin on my own face. It was times like that I miss most, that I would do anything to regain. I should have embraced you then. God knows how much I wanted to, knows how much I wanted to feel your heart against mine.

And then, I would eventually get my chance. That day that we sat on the hill together...for the last time, we were innocent. After listening to your desperate attempts to console me, I felt myself let go. My body's actions no longer were in conjunction with the orders of my mind; this must have been true, for I never had these feelings for anyone else. I started to play a reed flute, just like father used to show us. I thought that maybe it'd help, that it'd be enough. So I played, and then you played...

I can remember looking away, and then moving closer to you on the grass. You weren't sure at first, and leaned away, to give me more room. But I wouldn't have that. I grabbed hold of your arm, and forced you to look at me, eye to eye. Neither of us said a word. We stayed like this for several seconds, how many I don't know. But the tension grew to be too much for me, and all of the sudden, I felt myself pulled towards you. My hand slowly left your arm, and moved to your chest; I could feel your heartbeat under my fingertips. But that wasn't enough, either. My other hand took hold of your chin, and brought you closer. I leaned in, closed my eyes, and my lips met yours. It was strange how natural this felt, and I questioned my motivation several times after the fact. But that didn't matter then. We lingered there like that for several minutes, how many I don't know. But I do know it ended too fast. I finally, reluctantly, released your chin from my grasp. Leaning back away from you, I shot you a smirk.

You didn't know what to do or say, and were the most flustered I've ever seen you; your face was thirteen shades of red, and I could hear your heart beat to what sounded to me like an unhealthy pace. I don't know what came over me, but I liked it, I liked the feeling. I then threatened you, joking that if you ever told anyone about it, you would promptly forfeit your friendship with me, that we would instantaneously become sworn enemies. Heh, you never did tell...did you?

To think I'm still alive, and you're gone, and then to realize how I wasted it all, all of the time I had with you. Squandered it on pettiness, on regret. Knowing this is my hell.

You were always odd for a noble, in that you were so compassionate, introspective, but most of all, fantastically naïve. Even before you turned against your brothers, I knew there was something different about you. It was something truly good, though my own feelings of self-righteousness and self-pity would distort my understanding of your actions. You had an innate sense of justice, of morality, though you often acted on radical impulse, giving little or no thought to consequences. Even that Temple Knight, Izlude, admitted an attraction to your guiltless, reckless ways. Not long before he fell in battle, he said that had circumstances been different, he hoped that he might have been able to call you his friend. _In another time, another place..._ Do you know how ill it makes me to think of his words now?

This wound of mine never really healed, and will ultimately be the death of me. Funny how the blade, her blade, struck so close to my heart, just barely missing it. Ovelia... I might have loved her. Maybe. At one time. I told you I would have died for her, and I meant that. There are few people I'd die for, and you, needless to say, were one of them. But she, even as my wife and queen, never held the same esteem in my heart; when she was near me, my body didn't tremble, my heart didn't pound in my chest, my flesh wasn't overtaken by a rosy warmth. _You_ had those effects on me, and I'll not pretend to understand how or why. All of my promises to Ovelia were, I believe, my insecurities talking, and likely my displaced love for Teta. When I looked into Ovelia's eyes, I saw the same quiet pain glistening behind them, and it tore at my spirit. I announced to the world that I would not be used any longer, that _I_ would become the user, and achieve my own greatness. Heh, can you believe that? I wanted to see myself reflected in all those great Hero-Kings of the past, but was told all of my life that that could never be. I was meant to serve you and your brothers, all the meanwhile keeping my mouth shut, and my dreams silenced. Maybe I could have accepted that fate for myself, but for Teta as well, and then watching her die so awfully…it was all too much for my weak heart to bear. I dare say I became evil itself during those long months; someone who perpetuates war and death for their own self gain as I did can be called nothing less.

It's also funny, you know, that now that my dreams have been realized, I want to be rid of them. I want no reminder of everything I've done wrong. I guess, though, we humans will never be satisfied with what we've been blessed with. Not even kings. But at least even kings can dream new dreams.

Right...?


End file.
